you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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