You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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