I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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