then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was like eating out sand paper
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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