i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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