Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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