come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
