I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize