I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
this just has baby written all over it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
