mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
