i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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