Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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