went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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