I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
