are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
