The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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