before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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