i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
