i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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