You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
