So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
