I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
