My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
