I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
