my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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