alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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