You smell like stripper and shame
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize