So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
