sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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