btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
