My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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