Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
