Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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