he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
