last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
