I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
