If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
