I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
