You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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