Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
