theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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