I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
