So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
