i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
