It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
