I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
