90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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