I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
