im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
