god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
