For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
