Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
