mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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