i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
