i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have fence marks all over my body
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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