so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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