You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
