ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
its liver damage thursday
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize