Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
foreskin is a definite game changer
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
