Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
