If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize